Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything