Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it