Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!