Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.