Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I disagree with my politics

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Limited budget

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”