Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪