Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only short people can save us

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw