Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”