Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life