My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis