Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Need WebMD
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead