Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
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[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
This January has 47 Mondays
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.