Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
one of
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine