Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Rude much 😂😂😂
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.