Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.