Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!