Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron