Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.