Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.