Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16