Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.