Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat