Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough