Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
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My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*