Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

The game has officially changed 😎

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.