Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.