Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

58.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.