Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
You Might Also Like
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*