Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs