Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.