Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.