Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine