Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total