Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish