Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Print is alive and well!!!

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

i hope my email finds you on fire

I’m sorry…what?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books