Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
some things should go without saying
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.