Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

i wish we could shoplift online

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

This bar smells like my childhood.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe