Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.