Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.