Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

yall want some gasoline milk

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER