Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Legend 🤣🤣
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket