Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
cry laughing at this shit
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
#Caturday
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*