Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

A bold strategy

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

😂