Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah