Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

fly smarter, not harder

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day