Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!