Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Ion see the issue
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…