Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

It’s his time

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”