Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Clients after you give them your rates

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.