Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

*limbos away from your hug*

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.