Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
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Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’m having an out of money experience.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.