Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment