Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
me hooking up with my ex
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..