Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

WWE is French for “yes”

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.