Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
same bro
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.