Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”