Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Natural selection at its finest