Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
You have been warned.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
money maker
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.