Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”