Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Message from the dog groomers

Great acting.. 😂

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Quadruple digit IQ

Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.