Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– are you excited?
screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.