Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
This is my brand.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.