You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it