Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sell your car
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Generation gap…
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.