Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

i will avenge u mr van gogh

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.