Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal