Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Meanwhile in Canada…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Most fashion shows these days…
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Would you wear it?