Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Yup….perfect score!
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*