Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
You Might Also Like
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.