Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Still cracks me up
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
learning about math 🧐 📝
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.