Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.